To everyone out there that is as tired of hearing women say...
“I’m done playing games, I want the real thing”
...as I am and to the women out there that are tired of saying it, this one is for YOU. I am not writing to show you how to identify if your woman loves you because every woman is unique and shows love in their own way. I am however, going to give you a few pointers on how to make sure you get the type of love that you’re truly longing for.
Everyone wants to be in love. Everyone wants that special someone to let them know they are not alone. Everyone wants the kind of relationship they see in the movies or on TV, and well, we all want it to last. While merely half of us know who we are, what we want, or how to go about getting it, even less than those few are certain we would be able to handle that type of love if it happened to swing our way.
You say you’re tired of all the lying, cheating, and for lack of a better phrase, the bull shit? Let’s be honest here, those things will not find their way out of your life until you stop allowing yourself to let them in. In order for that to happen, you must first know yourself inside and out.
What are you good at? What are you bad at? What do you want for now and for your future? What do you like? What don’t you like? What are you intolerant of? Where are your strengths? Where are your weaknesses? Do you take more than you give? Are your priorities set and in order? Are you really where you want to be at this point in your life? What do you have to offer your partner? What does your partner need to be able to offer you? Is what should be in your past presently a part of your life and if so what about it is still needed and why? Have you done and seen all you wanted before settling down?
There are easily 20 more questions that knowing the answers to are extremely pertinent before your quest for real love can begin with the possibility of a successful outcome. Out of them all the most important question to be answered is, if your true love was to come into your life today at this very moment in time are you absolutely positively sure that not only are you ready to have it but do you also posses the knowhow it takes to be able to hold on to such a commitment?
We tend to forget that love entails much more than all the good we see that stems from it. Yes love is happiness, its patient and kind, gentle and passionate, promising and comforting, sharing and understanding, but best of all it’s a beautiful through thick and thin bond that lasts lifelong. Now here’s where things start to get trippy. Each one of these words that are associated with being in love has its own contradiction. So yes, love can also be miserable, impatient and cruel, reckless and indifferent, it can be hopeless and distressing, selfish and misinterpreted, but worst of all the through thick and thin agreement can be taken advantage of and the bond might not hold strong enough on both ends for it to not break. I’m not one for bad mouthing the most beautiful experience that life has to offer but I had to make sure that before taking finding love into consideration, you are all completely aware of its possibilities. It takes two to be in love otherwise you’re just trapped in the misery of trying to love someone that isn’t going to love you the way you want to be loved.
Unfortunately on your quest of finding true love, you are going to encounter both the good and bad sides of it all. However if you are fortunate enough to know and or accept all that is possible during your travels, it will make the journey much smoother and 10 times more rewarding when you finally reach your destination. It’s kind of like cheating your way to getting a 100 on a test as opposed to actually putting forth the effort to study and achieve that same grade. It gives you something to pride yourself in knowing that not only are you capable, but you’re also worthy and deserving of the results. This is to not be confused that if in the end it doesn’t work out then those are the results you deserve, because some things just aren’t meant to be no matter how bad you want it or how hard you try. The point is to aid in identifying the difference between an opened and honest love, and a standoff type uncertain thing that some call love.
As I stated earlier my aim is not to imply ways for you to tell if your woman truly loves you or not, however I am offering a few guidelines to help bring about the realization of whether or not you’re settling because it’s what you have or if you’re getting what it is you really want out of a love. Once you know yourself and you standards and priorities have been set the only thing you’ll be waiting on love for, is time. You’ll know the difference between and be able to separate a fun casual dating experience from an enticing chemical romance, an 80/20 encounter from a reversing role 60/40 partnership, and you will easily recognize the boundaries between that that is truly genuine and real from what’s not so real. All of this will become a part of your reality just by knowing what it is you want and accepting nothing less.
True love requires sacrifice, open ends of communication, trust, and a level of commitment and understanding so deep that u can’t even comprehend how far it actually goes. None of these things are even possible unless you are ready and willing for them to allow you to make the effortless selfless decisions that come with all it takes to bare and sustain such a beautiful, unexplainable, remarkable love.
So you want to be in love, huh? You want someone fighting for and standing alongside your love no matter what? Well then you must know yourself, inside and out, no matter what. --Keara Brown
Marry or not to Marry? Wait..what’s the question?
Birth. Childhood. Teen-dom. College. Career. Marriage. Retirement. Death
This is the chronology society grooms us to stick to and if you go outside of these order of events, you’re a “rebel”. Well, we’ve rebelled anyway by going outside of the conventional take on sexuality. But, having relationships with the same-sex presents an issue with our life itineraries. We are halted at marriage.
A lot of lesbian couples just commit to being life partners and a legal document has no bearing on their respective relationship. Other couples want the legal document in order to feel validated in their relationships. And most couples want to get married to substantiate their commitment to their significant other, which is the basis of marriage anyway.
Marriage is the public/legal acknowledgement of two individuals decision to be eternally devoted to each other. This is what we define as love.
Marriage is not synonymous with love at all.
I don’t believe you HAVE to get married to show your love, but I believe it helps if you’re into fitting societal molds and that sort of thing. Personally, I think we SHOULD get married especially in those states that allow same-sex marriage. We all know how heated of a debate this is, I’ve never quite understood why it’s an issue when church and state are supposed to be separate, but it is arguably, the BIGGEST hurdle of the LGBTQ community.
Anyway, when states finally release their homophobic genes, I think we should take advantage of it. In my opinion gay marriages work better and last longer. The non-traditional family structure allows for more compassion and understanding and devotion and honestly I’ve never met a “problem” child that stemmed from a same sex household. I think gay marriage might be the key to saving the sky rocketing divorce rate. Let us live! Why not support people WILLING to devote their lives to each other instead of supporting people who feel obligated to devote their lives?
I’ve always wanted to get married from childhood and I still do. I just want to have a cohesive family structure. Wife, kids, white picket fence..the whole nine. Maybe it’s my way of trying to make an “abnormality” normal, but then again maybe not. I don’t want to marry every girl I meet JUST because I want to get married. I want to marry someone I love. The ONE I love and raise a family. My vote is to get married. Why not? Let’s show the government that a cohesive family unit is still important, however non-traditional it may be. At least it works and functions properly, and has far less chance at disbanding.
-Chelsea Gotch (@SyKOSuave)
I once had a (gay) friend tell me that she believed all girls were lesbians, even "straight” ones (her quotations). She stated that the reason why “straight” girls are still straight is because they haven’t found the right girl that would make her forsake the *ahem*…. pipe. I disagreed with her until a few weeks later, I saw Taz.
If Taz were a guy, she wouldn't have been my type. She was a short, red- bone, with green eyes and cornrows. Now, normally, I'm into tall, dark skinned- guys with dark cesars and goatees. But there was something about Taz that I was unexpectedly attracted to. Maybe it was her swag. Maybe it was the way she dressed. Maybe it was the fact that she reminded me of the type of guys I went for in high school. Whatever it was, Taz made me secretly second-guess my sexual orientation and consider my friend’s outlandish theory!
I know what you're thinking-
"This chick is obviously gay if she had a crush on a girl."
But hear me out. There are very few things in life that are simply black or white and my boo, Taz pushed me into that gray area. To be fair, I would have never slept with her (I mean, she was a girl, how weird would that have been?) but I wanted the attention and more importantly, the validation.
Beyond that, she didn’t know I existed, which strangely, made me want her to notice me even more. If I could catch the eye of almost any guy I wanted, why couldn't I catch her’s? What was her problem? More importantly, was I not good enough? After expressing my frustration to my (gay) friend about the fact that I couldn’t get noticed by a girl I was never going to actually “be” with, she informed me that Taz could most likely tell that I wasn’t gay so she felt no reason to even look my way. This blow to my ego helped me quickly get over my secret crush and taught me something about myself I had never realized. Personally speaking, getting a compliment is always flattering, (as long as it’s polite), despite the sex of the person or their sexual preference. I must admit though, I have never been hit on by a girl. However, there would be something superlative about getting a compliment from another woman.
As girls, we all know how critical we can be of each other. If there is a thread hanging from another girl's shirt, we are quick to tap our friend and whisper about how tacky she looks. We notice things about other females that (straight) men would never notice. We can spot a bad weave from a mile away. We know when someone’s Michael Kors satchel is a knockoff, and we are quick to pull out our phones, take a pic and tweet or post to Facebook when we spot a chick we believe looks like a hot mess!
So, the moral of my little adage? Women love compliments, and if you are as egotistical and self- indulgent as I am, then you won’t mind receiving them from any sex. Therefore, the next time you see a chick and she’s pretty (regardless of what your “gay-dar” tells you), you should tell her. You never know whose day you are going to make, or what (gay) interest you may spark in her. And if my friend is right, she just may be waiting for the right Dom to persuade her to switch teams.
-D.Glass
When you’ve finally found that one person in life that you want to be with, you realize that there is a life outside of getting drunk, partying & getting laid. What once was a Friday night full of shots, ones & titties has become a night of spooning, hot cocoa & Redbox…
That’s when you realize; Having a true “home” feels so much better than roaming alone. When you’ve built a place for you & the one you love, that’s a feeling that can only be topped by the feeling of completing your home with a little ray of sunshine.
Family building in an LGBTQ relationship can be a very exciting & intimate experience. Depending upon what you’re comfortable with & what your budget is, there are many different ways to go about having a child.
The Old Fashioned Way
If you and your partner are comfortable with bringing another person into your family building experience you can opt to have your baby the old fashioned way. This way is very cheap, easy & a lot more effective than the other ways that will be explained BUT there are a lot more complications to be had. First, you must find someone willing to help you & agree with whatever stipulations you put on this arrangement. This includes signing over parental rights if you choose to do so. Second, you have to be comfortable with having sex or letting your partner have sex with someone that is not YOU! If you can overcome that, the old fashioned way can be a breeze.
Artificial Insemination
The beauty of artificial insemination is you don’t have to physically involve another person which can eliminate any awkward moments with someone you really don’t want to have sex with. If you decide to artificially inseminate you have choices as to how you want to go about getting sperm. If you choose to use a donor you know, you still have to deal with the legal aspects of parental rights. But if you choose to use an anonymous donor those worries are no longer your own! Artificial Insemination can cost anywhere from $200 to $20,000 depending on the procedure you choose, the cost of sperm, your insurance & your health needs. After deciding who’s sperm you will use you can now decide if you would like to do an intrauterine insemination (IUI), intracervical insemination (ICI) or in vitro fertilization (IVF). An IUI is a procedure where the sperm is placed directly into the uterus; it is more expensive & effective than an ICI but less expensive than IVF. The sperm is more expensive because it must be specially prepared or “washed” by lab technicians. This is done so that the sperm is safe & sterile enough to enter the uterus because once sperm is past the cervix it cannot be naturally washed by the enzymes and bacteria in the vagina. An ICI is a procedure where the sperm is placed in the cervix, it costs less that an IUI & IVF and the sperm is less expensive because it can be bought unwashed. IVF is a procedure where an egg is removed, fertilized and placed back in the uterus to finish its development, this procedure is expensive and evasive.
Surrogacy
This option can be used by those who either aren’t able to or choose not to have children themselves. Although this procedure is easy, there are tons of decisions to be made & can involve another person in your family building experience. You have to decide if you’re going to use an agency or personally pick your surrogate. Then you have to figure out who’s sperm you will use & who’s egg you will use if you cannot use one of your own. You must still pay for all of the doctor & hospital expenses and other expenses may be tacked on as well. You also will have to pay the agency if you use one. Surrogacy can cost anywhere from $45,000 to $80,000.
Adoption
You and your partner may decide to take an entirely different route & just adopt a child in need of a home. This cuts out some of the complications because the child is already available for you to love. Though adoption can be costly, scary & difficult for LGBT couples, the rewards of adopting a child who needs a home are endless. Adoption can cost anywhere from $0 to more than $40,000 depending on how you go about it. There are so many different ways you can adopt a child but that’s an article in itself!
No matter which option you choose, having a child can be a big responsibility and can be scary and intimidating. Some people are afraid of what others will think while others may feel like they don’t really know if they’re ready. While discussing this topic with my mother, I expressed to her my fears of being a lesbian parent and not being sure if I would ever be ready. She told me, “If you wait until you are completely ready to have a baby, you’ll never have one.” Go forth and be fruitful families and if you’re reading this and you’re currently building your lgbt family, I commend you! Don’t let anyone steal away your little ray of sunshine.
-Apyphanie Barnhill
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